I get a lot of calls from people looking to submit demos. People looking to "get signed" or whatever, and I've learned a few things.
If you all of the sudden decide that your "crew" NEEDS to be heard by a major record label, and you make the utterly lame move of calling the label's main number, here are a few rules you should follow.
1. Take the dick out of your mouth before calling.
ENUNCIATE. Especially if you are a rapper. RAPPERS SPECIALIZE IN WORDS. NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO SOME MEALY MOUTH FUCK MUMBLE ALL OVER HIS SHIT.
2. Don't talk about how hot your shit is in Ratburg, PA.
The fact that three people at your local open mic "felt your shit" means nothing to me, I'm just a receptionist, don't try and sell me. The only way I am going to help you is if you already ARE one of my favorite artists, making you either dead, the Talking Heads, or a Norwegian Satanist covered in corpse paint and bullet belts. Which you are not.
3. After I tell you NO, don't ask me how to get started.
What will happen is I will humor you and stay on the phone much longer than you deserve (my Midwest "niceness") and ramble at you about shit I know very very little about. This will just make you stupider. Just like reading my blog.
4. Use real names.
No more calls for people like "Greezy Crakk D", or "Delicious". These people have real fucking names, figure them out. "Crakk D" is not a last name listed in my directory. You are calling a major record label, not a chop shop or your bookie. In the words of Cedric the Entertainer, "I'm a grown ass man dogg, I'm not going to call another dude 'Delicious'".
5. If your 13 and you can sing, cute...But fuck you, get a lawyer.
I will be adding to this list, because I guarantee this shit will not end. My weekend was great. I spent it with an amazing girl, probably the coolest one anyone knows. We will call her "Awesome". She drinks like a damn champ, plays golf, smokes cigs like crazy, she is BEAUTIFUL, keeps her body in impeccable shape, and is a master at hanging out. She came out, partied with me, and fucked my bones crooked all weekend. I would fall in love with this girl, seriously, but then I would lose a great friend to the utter pointlessness of relationships.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
"This is how the working world maintains their immaturity."
My job at work is to transfer phone calls. If i dont hit the transfer button before i dial the number I am transferring to, the caller will be able to hear me dial. Apparently, this dialing is terrifyingly loud and high pitched because sometimes i fuck up on hitting the button and I can hear them screaming in agony on the other end.
Friday, August 18, 2006
"This is New York"
I'm so sick of people telling me "this is new York" like I don't already fucking know.
A few examples:
Me: Yeah, I want to get a two bedroom place for around 1400 that's close to the city and my job.
Friend: This is New York bro. That's not going to happen.
--What the fuck?? I know where the fuck I am and it doesn't mean I need to be miserable in the ass end of Brooklyn with a 3 hour commute to work. I'm from the Midwest but it doesn't mean I'm a bumpkin who cant work "the interweb" to find a cheap place close to the city, which I already did.
Me: That guy looks like Andrew WK!
Stupid bitch girl: Andrew WK is like so five years ago. This is New York, we don't talk about Andrew WK. I don't know how you do it in Minnesota.
--What a cunt, location doesn't change the fact that this fuck looked like Andrew WK's dipshit cousin. I was ready to hit her in her hipster face.
Friend: Go hit on that girl, this is New York bro, you gotta be
aggressive.
--You have to be aggressive fucking everywhere. What am I supposed to do different because this is New York?? Stab her and take her wallet?
Me: Yeah when I was young I got really into Wrecx N Effect (haha yeah, I know)
Job Interviewer: Oh, you got that music all the way out there in Minnesota?? Wow.
--No, I only got to hear polka band renditions of "rumpshaker" while I fucked my cousins.
WOW I am angry. Haha, that's the hangover talking. I feel better now that I vented. Gnarls Barkley was awesome. My big party is tonight, see you there.
In more "typical" Name Drop Acid (i.e., minor brushes with celebrity) fashion, I just found out I have to work the door at the MTV VMA afterparty in two weeks. I will keep you posted on this madness.
A few examples:
Me: Yeah, I want to get a two bedroom place for around 1400 that's close to the city and my job.
Friend: This is New York bro. That's not going to happen.
--What the fuck?? I know where the fuck I am and it doesn't mean I need to be miserable in the ass end of Brooklyn with a 3 hour commute to work. I'm from the Midwest but it doesn't mean I'm a bumpkin who cant work "the interweb" to find a cheap place close to the city, which I already did.
Me: That guy looks like Andrew WK!
Stupid bitch girl: Andrew WK is like so five years ago. This is New York, we don't talk about Andrew WK. I don't know how you do it in Minnesota.
--What a cunt, location doesn't change the fact that this fuck looked like Andrew WK's dipshit cousin. I was ready to hit her in her hipster face.
Friend: Go hit on that girl, this is New York bro, you gotta be
aggressive.
--You have to be aggressive fucking everywhere. What am I supposed to do different because this is New York?? Stab her and take her wallet?
Me: Yeah when I was young I got really into Wrecx N Effect (haha yeah, I know)
Job Interviewer: Oh, you got that music all the way out there in Minnesota?? Wow.
--No, I only got to hear polka band renditions of "rumpshaker" while I fucked my cousins.
WOW I am angry. Haha, that's the hangover talking. I feel better now that I vented. Gnarls Barkley was awesome. My big party is tonight, see you there.
In more "typical" Name Drop Acid (i.e., minor brushes with celebrity) fashion, I just found out I have to work the door at the MTV VMA afterparty in two weeks. I will keep you posted on this madness.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Worst post ever
What an idiot...
This isn't really that great but I didn't have anything else to post.
I wrote a long version of this post but decided it was lame and deleted all of it. Short version:
Went out to bars last night to pass out flyers
I was sick, so I decide to take it easy. Stupid fucking plan.
3rd bar, 3 beers in, meet hot 26 yr. old graphic designer by accident.
we hang out.
I no longer decide to take it easy.
PBR
PBR
Brooklyn Lager
Kamikaze girl shot (girl's idea)
I get mistaken for a gay guy again. Damn I need to assert my hetero status.
She convinces me to skip my last bar and go to her part of Brooklyn with her, which is far as fuck away from my part.
I'm convinced that by doing this, I will get to see her naked.
Lager
She tells me she needs to go home and "write emails".
I tell her I will come with her.
She says its ok, I can cart my ass home.
I guarantee her at least one orgasm.
Nope.
I demand that she make out with me, we do.
I'm still going home alone.
I tell her I have a huge Wang (I don't).
She doesn't buy it, but she is still laughing like hell at me.
I walk her to her door.
Ask for her number (I already have it)
Her: "You already have it. Give me a call sometime"
Me: "What? I'm not calling you."
I walk away, forget my PIN number at the ATM, wake up utterly confused by the time it says on the clock. I convince myself that daylight savings came and went.
I show up late for work.
Anyway, that's that. I giggled like hell all day today about it. Again, go to that party if you are in NYC (see post below). My friends are in town and we're going to see Gnarls Barkley in the park in a half hour. WHOOO.
This isn't really that great but I didn't have anything else to post.
I wrote a long version of this post but decided it was lame and deleted all of it. Short version:
Went out to bars last night to pass out flyers
I was sick, so I decide to take it easy. Stupid fucking plan.
3rd bar, 3 beers in, meet hot 26 yr. old graphic designer by accident.
we hang out.
I no longer decide to take it easy.
PBR
PBR
Brooklyn Lager
Kamikaze girl shot (girl's idea)
I get mistaken for a gay guy again. Damn I need to assert my hetero status.
She convinces me to skip my last bar and go to her part of Brooklyn with her, which is far as fuck away from my part.
I'm convinced that by doing this, I will get to see her naked.
Lager
She tells me she needs to go home and "write emails".
I tell her I will come with her.
She says its ok, I can cart my ass home.
I guarantee her at least one orgasm.
Nope.
I demand that she make out with me, we do.
I'm still going home alone.
I tell her I have a huge Wang (I don't).
She doesn't buy it, but she is still laughing like hell at me.
I walk her to her door.
Ask for her number (I already have it)
Her: "You already have it. Give me a call sometime"
Me: "What? I'm not calling you."
I walk away, forget my PIN number at the ATM, wake up utterly confused by the time it says on the clock. I convince myself that daylight savings came and went.
I show up late for work.
Anyway, that's that. I giggled like hell all day today about it. Again, go to that party if you are in NYC (see post below). My friends are in town and we're going to see Gnarls Barkley in the park in a half hour. WHOOO.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
For all those in the NYC area..
This party will be great. The people putting it on are all cool as fuck. Im not too into promoting online, but I love what these guys are doing, and they've been a HUGE help to me out here.
Movies, music videos, multiple rooms, live hip hop, DJs.
Show up for the open bar, get hammered, and hopefully walk out with a gift bag and a pretty Asian girl with nice sneakers.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Apologies
So sorry for a lack of updates. I started this damn thing with the intention of updating it daily, but yea, I've gotten extremely busy trying to find a new place to live. But shit, I will update this fucker from a box on the Bowery if I have to.
Some quick updates:
-Goo Goo Dolls lead singer came in, that cleft in the chin is SERIOUS. Epic cleft, nice guy.
-That party at the CEO's beach pad was nuts. A lot of awkward, half-buzzed conversations. I spoke to the drummer of one of our bands, who looked exactly like my friend Dave K from Wisconsin. I complemented him on his disco beats. I also met one of our new signings, "Three Intimidatingly Hot Girls With Intimidatingly Awesome Butts and Intimidatingly Large Fashion Sun Glasses"...I think that's what they are calling themselves. We call them T.I.H.G.W.I.A.B.I.L.F.S.G. around the office for short, and they're going to kick the shit out of 3LW. The label A-Team was there, all the big execs. They seemed nice, one of them showed up in a damned chopper. On the way home, we made the driver stop at the liquor store. I bought whiskey and Mike's Hard Lemonade, they all just bought Mike's...I probably made myself out to look like the drunk that I am, which is not good in a co-worker situation.
One final word. This job is friggin crazy, but it is still very much a business and everyone is pretty nice and professional. I'll be honest, there was a small part of me expecting to walk in my first day to find people slugging Jack and doing coke lines out of Cyndi Lauper's buttcrack, while a naked David Crosby did the truffle shuffle atop a pile of equally-naked-and-horrified hot female interns. You know, that old school music business debauchery. Where the fuck is that??!!
Ha, oh fuck, be careful what you wish for eh?
That's all I got for now. Get fucked.
*POSTSCRIPT (five minutes later): Im going to ask out the hot foreign intern soon.
Some quick updates:
-Goo Goo Dolls lead singer came in, that cleft in the chin is SERIOUS. Epic cleft, nice guy.
-That party at the CEO's beach pad was nuts. A lot of awkward, half-buzzed conversations. I spoke to the drummer of one of our bands, who looked exactly like my friend Dave K from Wisconsin. I complemented him on his disco beats. I also met one of our new signings, "Three Intimidatingly Hot Girls With Intimidatingly Awesome Butts and Intimidatingly Large Fashion Sun Glasses"...I think that's what they are calling themselves. We call them T.I.H.G.W.I.A.B.I.L.F.S.G. around the office for short, and they're going to kick the shit out of 3LW. The label A-Team was there, all the big execs. They seemed nice, one of them showed up in a damned chopper. On the way home, we made the driver stop at the liquor store. I bought whiskey and Mike's Hard Lemonade, they all just bought Mike's...I probably made myself out to look like the drunk that I am, which is not good in a co-worker situation.
One final word. This job is friggin crazy, but it is still very much a business and everyone is pretty nice and professional. I'll be honest, there was a small part of me expecting to walk in my first day to find people slugging Jack and doing coke lines out of Cyndi Lauper's buttcrack, while a naked David Crosby did the truffle shuffle atop a pile of equally-naked-and-horrified hot female interns. You know, that old school music business debauchery. Where the fuck is that??!!
Ha, oh fuck, be careful what you wish for eh?
That's all I got for now. Get fucked.
*POSTSCRIPT (five minutes later): Im going to ask out the hot foreign intern soon.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
I got nothin...
Specific types of people...
Histrionic girls who work in mall clothes stores.
Guys at metal shows with short girlfriends.
Little kids in the back of buses flashing you the peace sign.
Guys on crotch rockets sporting Oakleys, a goatee, or both.
Bouncers who call you "boss".
Thats all I have to write...jesus. Pretty uneventful lately. Im nursing a mild hangover because of this job im doing...I am assigned to different bars, at these bars I am told to pass out flyers. I am also encouraged to "hang out" at these places. Fuckin genius thing to tell a drunk like me.
Tomorrow I have the day off to go party at label CEO's pad on the beach. Should be freakin awesome. If all goes well, I will get inappropriately buzzed and play some intra-office grab-ass.
I will keep you posted.
Histrionic girls who work in mall clothes stores.
Guys at metal shows with short girlfriends.
Little kids in the back of buses flashing you the peace sign.
Guys on crotch rockets sporting Oakleys, a goatee, or both.
Bouncers who call you "boss".
Thats all I have to write...jesus. Pretty uneventful lately. Im nursing a mild hangover because of this job im doing...I am assigned to different bars, at these bars I am told to pass out flyers. I am also encouraged to "hang out" at these places. Fuckin genius thing to tell a drunk like me.
Tomorrow I have the day off to go party at label CEO's pad on the beach. Should be freakin awesome. If all goes well, I will get inappropriately buzzed and play some intra-office grab-ass.
I will keep you posted.
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