How I got fired from a radio station.

I worked at this radio station in college, Wolf 108. The guy who ran it was a complete fucking lunatic.

His name was Wolf, legally, and he was batshit crazy. He told some bullshit legend about how he got his name.

Supposedly a man in black approached him in a bar and gave him a vial of white liquid. The man in black told Francis (I don't know his real name so I made one up) that if he drank the liquid he would become a werewolf. Now and forever. What a bunch of shit. Obviously he drank it.

After this he went completely off the deep end. He started to refer to his hands and feet as his paws, his nose as his snout, hair was fur, you get the idea. The really obnoxious part about this is that while most people don't usually find ways to work their nose into casual conversation, this guy would go out of his way to refer to his "snout" just so you would get the whole "I'm a wolf" thing. Fucking jackass.

He also received warnings from his doctor to stop eating raw read meat, and his neighbors were often pissed because of his late night howling at the moon. He also stopped drinking because he got in a bar fight, bit some guy in the neck, almost ripped out his larynx, and then howled over the guys sputtering, bleeding body. Dude almost died.

We were talking once about Lycanthropy. Talking to him was like talking to a microwave filled with scrap metal, he was always snapping on people or shutting down. The most socially inept fucker alive. He liked talking about wolf stuff though, obviously, so we got to talking about Lycanthropy, which he explained is a condition where someone thinks they are a wolf. I responded with, "So you are kind of a lycanthrope then?" He said "No, there's a difference, they THINK they are wolves, I AM a wolf". Fuckhead.

Ok, enough about how nuts this fucker was. I could go on forever. It should be obvious that he was completely unfit to run a radio station. Radio stations are fairly democratic places, or should be, but Wolf was a fucking DICTATOR. I almost got fired twice, once for using my cellphone inside (dipshit thought it would interfere with the signal, not true) and another time for spilling a teaspoon's worth of pizza sauce in the lobby. Both times he screamed so loud and got so pissed I thought he was going to hit me.

His dictator shit went even further. He billed himself as a "community" radio station. However, within the first month he alienated one of the only TWO rock music venues in town because they promised a deal and didn't deliver. So from that day forward, he would not even SPEAK of anything going on there. There was also another community radio station just starting to get their shit together. They weren't even on the air yet, but Wolf went ahead and fucking blacklisted anyone who even mentioned them. Serious, you were fired and out of the office.

I ran the industrial show. I like some industrial, I know a lot about it, but I'm not necessarily "into" it because of the high amount of dickheads who listen to it. These people suck, especially the ones who listen to EBM, an offshoot of industrial that sounds like gay German trance with different vocals. Bullshit. The people who like it are even worse. Horrible human beings. Anyway, I did it because I liked the idea of playing Ministry at high volumes and talking shit.

It should be obvious by now that this place was headed for the bargain bin.

I eventually got fired. Wolf and I had a bit of a "falling out" over someone playing an mp3 on the air. He had a legitimate right to be pissed since the thing sounded like shit, and it happened on my show, so he was pissed at me. Again, rightfully so. He told me I might be getting cancelled, but he didn't know and would let me know by Monday, my show was on Wednesday. Monday came around, no info, so I called him, emailed him, nothing. By Wednesday, I was under the impression that I will still on the air. So I got ready to do my show, got REALLY high with my roommates (which I rarely do) and as I was heading out, I checked the website to see a big "TBA" in the timeslot where my name should be. Fucking prick didn't have the balls to fire me personally.

I went in anyway, to pretend like I hadn't seen the site and there he was, getting his shoulders rubbed by his Bear (read: hairy gay man) tech guy...I think they were dating. Anyway, he told me to turn in my badge I was fired blah blah blah. I knew I was fucked so I took this as an opportunity to rail on him for a good 15 minutes straight, dusted out of my mind. I think I might have called him fat at one point. I broke down why he is a dumb fuck and why his station will fail.

It was the only time I've ever even made an attempt to "tell someone off". It was also one of the rare times I've willingly burned a bridge. I pissed on the ashes. Fuck that guy and every failed business he decides to start.

Wolf 108 went under like 2 months after I was "dismissed".

Why tell this story? Shit, I don't know. I thought about that nutbar on the train today and I decided I would write it down so I never forget it.

Here is a story about the station on the website of one of the Wolf 108 shows that actually survived on another station, complete with a picture of the man himself.

Bragging Writes

This is definitely as good as you think it is.

We all love it, walking around watching our dicks grow. Women, maintenance, even the mailroom guys feel ten feet tall around here if you get them at the right moments. Huge swinging dicks and egos in the breeze.

We are in the nerve center, no matter what level or impulse you find yourself straddling, you are part of one of the major institutions in this country, on this planet, in this universe. Source of so much pain, murder, love, fucking, and dancing. To name a chosen few. We create vice, make you spend money, inspire vice, glorify spending money. Each day I walk around here, I see an email being sent that will end a career, turn a life around, move millions of dollars, or millions of people.

This email might even have the word "cunt" in it. That's something you cant avoid, a bunch of crazy motherfuckers working in this business. Jerry Heller, co-founder of Ruthless Records with Eazy-E (also one of the most hated men in rap history) talks about this. The idea that we are all here because we are too damn nuts to be anywhere else. The guy who trained me, an ex-hippy-phish-following-acid-head acid head acid head, said the same thing. This is the only place a guy like him can be successful...and happy.

This might sound extremely fucking cocky, but this pride is rooted in satisfaction, many people you hear talk about working in this corridor will speak with similar grandeur, name-dropping all to hell while continuously checking to see if their balls are still there. They are. They always are. This is because they are happy with their job, and satisfied with their station in life.

Now we the American working population
Hate the fact that eight hours a day
Is wasted on chasing the dream of someone that isn't us
And we may not hate our jobs
But we hate jobs in general
That don't have to do with fighting our own causes
We the American working population
Hate the nine-to-five day-in day-out
When we'd rather be supporting ourselves
By being paid to perfect the pasttimes
That we have harbored based solely on the fact
That it makes us smile if it sounds dope
-Aesop Rock

Based solely on the fact that it makes us smile if it sounds dope. This is why we smile.

Sometimes I even feel guilty for liking my job so much. It really really gets to me, to the point that I feel like I am bragging to people on accident simply by telling them what I do. That is why I am writing this right now, to communicate the utter pride I am immersed in daily.

Also keep in mind that this is a persona, one facet of myself, as we are all multi-faceted and never given to being pinned down by the wings into one definition or the other. This voice that I write in has been chosen to amplify one identity of mine that I am particularly proud of, and I am not sorry for that.

I am changing though. What you see and hear a lot lately out of me is some pretty self absorbed shit. This attitude is a direct result of a relationship I was in about a year ago, one that took me away from my friends and caused me to forego my own wants and needs in the name of someone else. My friend Ant called it "my fulltime job", and it was. I sucked for that part of my life.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. My reaction was to end my relationship, and launch myself into a pit of pussy, drinking, high-fiving, and a complete NEED to only look out for myself. It was plum necessary, "following my dick and my ego around" I believe Ant described it.

This was important because I realized that I had been a bit of a doormat for a long time in my life. Some times more than others, and that needed to change. So my reactionary...um...actions got me to this point, where I can say I am happy. The cool thing is that I didn't hurt TOO many people. I might have said some offensive shit in a bar or seduced a woman, but I always made sure to buy a beer to ice the balls I broke, and I always made sure to hold the pretty girls afterwards, and keep them as great friends. I'm not a terminal dickhead, I'm just dabbling. I will never be able to do this fulltime.

So its time to cool it a little I think. Air out some of the bitterness, embrace more positivity, and let the cool air do it's thing. After all, winter is a shitty time to be a hedonist. That's why we have Tourist Jamaica.

My dick and my ego led me here, to the fulfillment of my dream, and to happiness with my station in life. Now that I am here, I can dust off the ol' heart/brain combo for some playing time, sit back, and drink beer on top of it all.

Thanks for reading this shite. For whatever it is worth.



A pretty girl has her desk right next to the Men's bathroom on our floor. By now, she knows everyone's poop schedules.

FUCK B.E.T.

Seriously. Their videos are way too fucking quiet while their commercials are the loudest things known to man, they will randomly turn up the volume in the middle of 106th & Park to the point that it sounds like its coming out of a broken fucking Teddy Ruxpin. I DONT GIVE A SHIT WHO THE LIVEST AUDIENCE IS, THEY ARE ALL LOUDER THAN SHIT. AND they cancelled Cita's world. Bullshit.

I have to have this channel on all day long because I'm required to have videos playing in the lobby constantly, and BET is the last network that still plays videos.

I have the dance from "Chicken Noodle Soup" memorized. I am not happy about this.

This is not me...


I like all the foreplay on this one...


Yup...


It's either Dorf's cousin or a problem with the camera...


These guys are the coolest fuckers ever.


This guy is a tool. I also love how no one knows what to do until they hear those magic words, "let it rain, clear it out".

Had enough????? I'm not through yet.


This is ALSO not me...fucking interpretive dance.


White people bug the shit out of me.


what the fuck? ha.


It is.


Broke ass Flava Flav meets The Breakfast Club meets...Sideways....

OK I'm done. I hope this stopped being funny long ago.

Whacko phone calls Part 2.

Something happened this weekend. The nutbars huffed EXTRA gas/crack/fluorescent lightbulbs before calling me this weekend....

Call 1: "Work at a big record company? You gotta be kidding me." That was it, the entirety of the message.

Call 2: Hyper white guy, calling from "The View". Nothing out of the ordinary there.

Call 3: Another rapper, from 20 minutes outside of Detroit. Informed me that he "was the next to blow, do it real big". He also said he needed rap because he cant get a normal job due to some misdemeanors on his record.

Call 4: Guy from Call 3 rapping some generic sounding shit. I remember hearing the word "chrome".

Calls 5,6: A strange sounding guy who was calling to inquire why some unsigned pedophilie rapper (I couldn't hear his name) didn't have a deal because he had sold more than 2 million records online, by word of mouth. Apparently this "MC SuchAndSuch" went down to New Orleans with his harem of school girls to meet his 10 yr. old Pen pal, a Hurricane Katrina survivor, only to find the 10 year old raped and murdered. Naturally, the phantom MC caught some revenge by finding the perpetrators, raping them back, and then killing them. To the guy on the message, this rapper should have a deal, because he has an even better angle than R. Kelly in the "gross shit" department.

Man...this guy needed to elaborate MUCH more if he wanted to match the heroic craziness of Mr. Steves, a legend on my answering machine.

Call 7: An extremely manic women who said a lot of words, but I understood about 6 of them. She would switch accents mid-word, and it was disturbing. She went from high pitched white girl to Asian to English to Australian to southern finally coming to rest at English. Apparently she's really into her ancestors, visiting graves, we owe her a few million, and her father is a dreamer while she is a do-er. She didn't leave her number. Just called, babbled, said "like" 22 times in 40 seconds, and hung up.

Man, I'm going to miss this madness.

Hangover Olympics

Since I am destructively hung over this morning (seems everyone I know works at bars and drinks on school nights) all I can think about is ways to get rid of this fucker. So I made a list. This could be helpful to you, as I have kind of become an expert on hangovers and getting rid of them.





Going to work: This is a terrible cure for a hangover. Worst idea ever, punch whoever suggests it squarely in the junk.


Ibuprofen. Little. Brown. Completely indistinguishable from anything else.

Ibuprofen: God's gift to drunks, take A LOT more than is recommended. Not to be confused with aspirin, which will eat your stomach and then kill you.

Sex: Kind of helps, this is just because sex is awesome anyway. It gets the blood flowing though, which is a bad thing for a drunk with too much thin blood pounding through his eyeballs. Actually, yeah this is a beautiful cure, but only if she is on top and you lay there doing nothing (the way god intended).



I don't know how this is relevant.

Bloody Marys: Genius. Best idea ever. Salt, booze, the ultimate combo. Gets you right back on the job. Unless you are in New York, this city cant make a bloody that doesn't taste like match heads dissolved in asswater for some reason. Trust me, I've looked everywhere.




Greasy food: Helps, but don't eat too much. A hangover'd persons natural inclination is to eat a lot, but the problem is that your stomach cant handle it, its already trying to figure out it's ass from it's elbow, so don't make it work too hard.

Green tea: Not a bad idea because of the antioxidants...but keep in mind...you will be "that guy" who drinks green tea. Do it, but don't tell anyone.

Sleep: Always the best way to get rid of the fucker, but not always possible.

Driving: nope.

Drinking more: Genius. Go for it.

Mimosa: Primarily drunk by chicks and assholes on yachts, but sometimes they are plum necessary.


See??? Assholes.

Coffee: I've never been a fan, but it works for some folks.

Smoking pot: Again, I know people who swear by it, but for me, I will still be hungover, the only difference is that "Anchorman" will seem funnier than it actually is.

Swimming: there's nothing like waking up saturated with beer and stripper goo, walking outside, and falling face first into a pool. Usually this is only possible if you are in Mexico, a hotel, or own a kiddie pool.

Going to church: If your friends kicked your sloppy ass out of their house this morning, God isn't going to want you in his either. Do not go, but if you have to, go through the communion line at least six times.



Yup, that's about it....
So I am going to a quincenera (spelling?) party tonight for my roommate's little sister. Its a sweet 15 party, but these bolivians take that shit seriously, shit is going to be like a wedding reception. There will also be booze, which will give me a chance to get oiled up and work on my Spanish.

Have a bad ass weekend. Especially on Sunday, when you can try the ultimate hangover cure: Watching football.

Moving up

YO!

Just got a promotion. Im moving on up to the embattled position of "assistant" or "assistant assface" according to Ogre.

I will be working for the advertising director of an entirely different set of labels under our massive umbrella. More music, more money, hopefully more crazy shit. This is happening extremely fast. I was not supposed to move up for at least 8 months, and after only 3, I am on my way up.

Fuck, I get brief flashes of crisis as I feel I am growing up too fast, but Ive done the young guy shit. I went to college, drank my nuts off, got laid, duct taped 40's to my hands, tea-bagged people, got tea-bagged, disregarded my responsibilities, all that shit. For five years. I would be stupid to not keep pushing as a "grown up", and obviously I am doing something right.

So now, I am going to throw myself in even further, hustle even harder, thats what people do out here, hustle, look out for themselves, get theirs, make friends (or whatever "networking" is conisdered) get fucked up, and avoid burning bridges. This might turn me into more of an asshole, or less. Who knows. My stories might start to suck, or they might get better, who knows. I might meet more women, or less. Who knows.

HOWEVER, I have not had a night out to celebrate this new job shit, which is bugging me. This weekend im going for it. Hard.

I also fell in love the other day. My train was fucked up and it turned out i couldn't get a train home, so this absolutely beautiful woman and I agreed to split a cab since we were going towards the same area. She had to have been about 36, and fucking gorgeous...foreign, spanish maybe. Anyway, this girl was older, mature, so my normal "buy shots and say offensive things" routine was not going to work. So I dusted off the ol' charm. Turns out she worked in the media biz, made a shit ton of money, and retired early. Fuck. Now she just hangs out.

Ah fuck, i walked away with an email address. WHICH is better than nothing. I will keep you posted. Even if its five years from now, I will shower with this woman.

Ok, another shitty post. I am sorry, but hey.

9-26-06

Shit I need to get better at:

1. Remembering Names
2. High Fives
3. Updating This Thing
4. Fantasy football

Shit I dont need to get better at but want to practice anyway:

1. Cunnilingus

...thats it really

Shit I dont need to get better at:

1. Drinking
2. Obscure black metal
3. Big Lebowski References


My uncle and Dad were in town this weekend, and I have to tell you, if you ever want attention from women, bring your Dad and your loud ass uncle with you to the bar. It worked for me, I got my balls grabbed and made out with a girl based strictly on the fact that my family was in the room. I didn't even do anything. I'll take it.

"Yes sir, I will pass along the message that Madonna has stolen your songs and that anyone purporting to be her songwriter is a fraud."

What else...
Go see the flaming lips live before you die.
I have word that there will be a full on kevlar vest rap feud one floor above my office in the near future.
My ex is a psycho hose beast.

Listen to more Devin the Dude.