Friday, September 29, 2006

Hangover Olympics

Since I am destructively hung over this morning (seems everyone I know works at bars and drinks on school nights) all I can think about is ways to get rid of this fucker. So I made a list. This could be helpful to you, as I have kind of become an expert on hangovers and getting rid of them.

Going to work: This is a terrible cure for a hangover. Worst idea ever, punch whoever suggests it squarely in the junk.

Ibuprofen. Little. Brown. Completely indistinguishable from anything else.

Ibuprofen: God's gift to drunks, take A LOT more than is recommended. Not to be confused with aspirin, which will eat your stomach and then kill you.

Sex: Kind of helps, this is just because sex is awesome anyway. It gets the blood flowing though, which is a bad thing for a drunk with too much thin blood pounding through his eyeballs. Actually, yeah this is a beautiful cure, but only if she is on top and you lay there doing nothing (the way god intended).

I don't know how this is relevant.

Bloody Marys: Genius. Best idea ever. Salt, booze, the ultimate combo. Gets you right back on the job. Unless you are in New York, this city cant make a bloody that doesn't taste like match heads dissolved in asswater for some reason. Trust me, I've looked everywhere.

Greasy food: Helps, but don't eat too much. A hangover'd persons natural inclination is to eat a lot, but the problem is that your stomach cant handle it, its already trying to figure out it's ass from it's elbow, so don't make it work too hard.

Green tea: Not a bad idea because of the antioxidants...but keep in will be "that guy" who drinks green tea. Do it, but don't tell anyone.

Sleep: Always the best way to get rid of the fucker, but not always possible.

Driving: nope.

Drinking more: Genius. Go for it.

Mimosa: Primarily drunk by chicks and assholes on yachts, but sometimes they are plum necessary.

See??? Assholes.

Coffee: I've never been a fan, but it works for some folks.

Smoking pot: Again, I know people who swear by it, but for me, I will still be hungover, the only difference is that "Anchorman" will seem funnier than it actually is.

Swimming: there's nothing like waking up saturated with beer and stripper goo, walking outside, and falling face first into a pool. Usually this is only possible if you are in Mexico, a hotel, or own a kiddie pool.

Going to church: If your friends kicked your sloppy ass out of their house this morning, God isn't going to want you in his either. Do not go, but if you have to, go through the communion line at least six times.

Yup, that's about it....
So I am going to a quincenera (spelling?) party tonight for my roommate's little sister. Its a sweet 15 party, but these bolivians take that shit seriously, shit is going to be like a wedding reception. There will also be booze, which will give me a chance to get oiled up and work on my Spanish.

Have a bad ass weekend. Especially on Sunday, when you can try the ultimate hangover cure: Watching football.

1 comment:

Ogre said...

A boss told me once "What's the point of being hungover on your day off? Most people hate their jobs anyway, so being hungover doesn't change much anyway..."

I agree. Get shit faced and then get paid to be hungover.