Bragging Writes

This is definitely as good as you think it is.

We all love it, walking around watching our dicks grow. Women, maintenance, even the mailroom guys feel ten feet tall around here if you get them at the right moments. Huge swinging dicks and egos in the breeze.

We are in the nerve center, no matter what level or impulse you find yourself straddling, you are part of one of the major institutions in this country, on this planet, in this universe. Source of so much pain, murder, love, fucking, and dancing. To name a chosen few. We create vice, make you spend money, inspire vice, glorify spending money. Each day I walk around here, I see an email being sent that will end a career, turn a life around, move millions of dollars, or millions of people.

This email might even have the word "cunt" in it. That's something you cant avoid, a bunch of crazy motherfuckers working in this business. Jerry Heller, co-founder of Ruthless Records with Eazy-E (also one of the most hated men in rap history) talks about this. The idea that we are all here because we are too damn nuts to be anywhere else. The guy who trained me, an ex-hippy-phish-following-acid-head acid head acid head, said the same thing. This is the only place a guy like him can be successful...and happy.

This might sound extremely fucking cocky, but this pride is rooted in satisfaction, many people you hear talk about working in this corridor will speak with similar grandeur, name-dropping all to hell while continuously checking to see if their balls are still there. They are. They always are. This is because they are happy with their job, and satisfied with their station in life.

Now we the American working population
Hate the fact that eight hours a day
Is wasted on chasing the dream of someone that isn't us
And we may not hate our jobs
But we hate jobs in general
That don't have to do with fighting our own causes
We the American working population
Hate the nine-to-five day-in day-out
When we'd rather be supporting ourselves
By being paid to perfect the pasttimes
That we have harbored based solely on the fact
That it makes us smile if it sounds dope
-Aesop Rock

Based solely on the fact that it makes us smile if it sounds dope. This is why we smile.

Sometimes I even feel guilty for liking my job so much. It really really gets to me, to the point that I feel like I am bragging to people on accident simply by telling them what I do. That is why I am writing this right now, to communicate the utter pride I am immersed in daily.

Also keep in mind that this is a persona, one facet of myself, as we are all multi-faceted and never given to being pinned down by the wings into one definition or the other. This voice that I write in has been chosen to amplify one identity of mine that I am particularly proud of, and I am not sorry for that.

I am changing though. What you see and hear a lot lately out of me is some pretty self absorbed shit. This attitude is a direct result of a relationship I was in about a year ago, one that took me away from my friends and caused me to forego my own wants and needs in the name of someone else. My friend Ant called it "my fulltime job", and it was. I sucked for that part of my life.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. My reaction was to end my relationship, and launch myself into a pit of pussy, drinking, high-fiving, and a complete NEED to only look out for myself. It was plum necessary, "following my dick and my ego around" I believe Ant described it.

This was important because I realized that I had been a bit of a doormat for a long time in my life. Some times more than others, and that needed to change. So my reactionary...um...actions got me to this point, where I can say I am happy. The cool thing is that I didn't hurt TOO many people. I might have said some offensive shit in a bar or seduced a woman, but I always made sure to buy a beer to ice the balls I broke, and I always made sure to hold the pretty girls afterwards, and keep them as great friends. I'm not a terminal dickhead, I'm just dabbling. I will never be able to do this fulltime.

So its time to cool it a little I think. Air out some of the bitterness, embrace more positivity, and let the cool air do it's thing. After all, winter is a shitty time to be a hedonist. That's why we have Tourist Jamaica.

My dick and my ego led me here, to the fulfillment of my dream, and to happiness with my station in life. Now that I am here, I can dust off the ol' heart/brain combo for some playing time, sit back, and drink beer on top of it all.

Thanks for reading this shite. For whatever it is worth.



A pretty girl has her desk right next to the Men's bathroom on our floor. By now, she knows everyone's poop schedules.