Thursday, October 19, 2006


Ok, so today I asked my friends George and Ogre (probably the only two people who read this thing) to give me things to write might have been a horrible idea.

Here goes...

Ogre: the fact that when you go to a small town people look funny.
I was in a small town in the mountains two days ago and damn, the bars were like a leper colony

Ok, Ogre is right. At the bus station in downtown Eau Claire, Wisconsin, the people all have this horrible look on their face. They are all mutants in Green Bay Packer Starter jackets anyway, but they have this look like they just swallowed shit pickled in vinegar while being kicked softly in the shins. Their lips go up to touch their nose, their nose is crinkled up, and their brow is perpetually furrowed.

This is an observed phenomenon. Verified and witnessed by this kid:
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His email address is if you want to verify.

Who knows why it happens, everyone from downtown Eau Claire is a mutant. It could be it's proximity to an ultra-stinky paper mill.

Ogre: Or maybe that people who were very impressionable during the 80's got screwed over in the areas of music interests and hair styles.

This is probably true also. Illustrated by the fact that as an 8 year old, I knew the words to some White Lion songs, and I was really into Saigon Kick....especially "The Lizard".
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There is no really good reason for anyone to listen to this music, except the fact that it was cool at the time for my brother, 11 years older than me, to be into that kind of stuff (half the reason that he CONSTANTLY had hot bitches with crimped hair following him around, the other half was probably his mullet [Ogre proves his point about hairstyles])

So he was impressionable by the fact that such trends got him lots of pussy, and I was impressionable because I thought my brother was cool for getting lots of pussy. Even as an 8 year old I knew this was something to strive for.

And bad pants

Zubaz, acid washed jeans, biking shorts, anything I wore on my legs from 1985 to 2003.

And Michael Jackson

Dude got a bad rap even then from the metal guys. I secretly thought thriller was the shit though.

and Michael J. Fox.

I saw him on "Scrubs" recently and he wasn't funny.

And Reagan.

As far as I know, Reagan turned the 80's into the new 50's. Or at least for all of his disciples. He is also the reason we were blessed with N.W.A., Black Flag, and the book, "American Psycho", by Bret Easton Ellis. Especially the part where he sends a starved sewer rat up a hooker's husband hole. That was Reagan's fault.

George: write about having relations with lots of women.. not just one.
Me: at the same time?
George: sure.. if you want. I really meant just throughout your life. you know.. grandpa from Little Miss Sunshine style

This reminded me of two things:

First, I know which line from the grandpa in that movie that George is talking about. There is a part where he goes off to a young kid about the importance of getting as much pussy as possible. So I tried to find this particular quotation online. I could only find this one:

Frank: I take it you didn't like it at Sunset Manor?
Sheryl: Frank...
Grandpa: Are you kidding me? It was a fucking paradise. They got pool... They got golf... Now I'm stuck with Mr. Happy here, sleeping on a fucking sofa. Look, I know you are a homo and all, but maybe you can appreciate this. You go to one of those places, there's four women for every guy. Can you imagine what that's like?
Frank: You must have been very busy.
Grandpa: Ho oh. I had second degree burns on my Johnson, I kid you not.
Frank: Really?
Grandpa: Forget about it.

This reminded me of studying abroad in Scotland. Spring 2003. There was something like 85 girls in the house that we lived in, and only 13 guys. I will say it again. 85 to 13. Do the math, about 4 of these guys had girlfriends, 2 were probably gay, and 3 were complete creepy fucks. That leaves 4 eligible men for this horde of horny harpies (alliteration, motherfucker), and I was one of them. I led the house in kills. Ogre (who you will know from above) was in second until he got a girlfriend out of the deal. Let me just say, THAT was a good semester. Second degree burns indeed.

Second, and this involves the "two at the same time" thing I asked George about. That would be sweet. All I can think about is this story:

It was new years eve, my first year of college, and for some reason I went back to my hometown to throw a huge hotel party with my buddies. I started out the night by either losing, or willingly throwing away the cap to my bottle of Jack Daniels. This meant that the damn thing had to stay in my hand or in my face at all times. So it did.

By 11:40 I had counted down the new year at least three times. Luckily, it was all good people in the room. My friend Tweak, my cousin, and a whole bunch of my hometown friends were all in rare form. My cousin had just blown it with one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. They dated for awhile, but things came apart when he went to college. She was a flirty little petite thing with an amazing body who acted like a huge tease, we will call her "tease".

Anyway, Tease had this friend, Kim, who I had made out with when I was playing wingman to my cousin in his Tease exploits. Kim was kind of gross, broad, square shoulders, and a weird shaped head. She looked like a doorframe. She also had the hugest tongue in history. The thing had to have been a yard across. You know how when they make molds of your teeth at the dentist, and you have to breathe through your nose so you don't panic and gag? That's what making out with her was like.

Back to New Years. The layout of this place is important to the story. You walk in to a living room. On your right is a door to a bedroom with a bathroom, the same on your left. About 4-5 inches of Jack into the night, my friend Opium went into the other bedroom with his girlfriend and locked the door. This left one bedroom, and one bathroom that was open to the public, and the living room.

Eventually, as I was sitting, swinging a bottle of Jack, screaming about how cool AZ the rapper is or some shit, I get grabbed by Kim and Tease, and pulled into the remaining bedroom. On the way in, Tease grabs Tweak, who was nearly in a coma.

We get in, lock the door, and I am about to start "doing the damn thing" with Kim, when I remember the gagging, scared feeling of the dentist. I think about how stupid I am, and deflect Kim onto Tweak with expert timing. She jumps all over his little ass like those bitches Andy Kaufman used to wrestle. That left me and Tease, and we had a great time, she was just as gorgeous naked, and we were having fun. The problem was that next to us, in the same bed, Tweak and Kim are screaming like a fucking deranged redneck couple.

Tweak "IT WON'T FIT!!"

He must have eventually gotten it in, because she started screaming porno-perfect-turned-to-11 for all outside the door to hear. Those outside the door were two people, my good friend 5, and my cousin, everyone else had left. My poor cousin was convinced that those sounds were the result of me screwing his ex-girlfriend. 5 and Cousin were trapped in that room, and this had been going on for an hour. So they tried to pass out sitting up. They slammed all the booze in the room, smoked all of their pot, tried stuffing newspapers under the door, in their ears to drown out the sound. Nothing worked.

By this time it was about 5 in the morning, so they decided to walk to the nearby Denny's to get breakfast. It was closed , so they turned around and came back to find us still going strong.

Eventually, we came out of the room. I will never forget looking over to see 5 and Cousin sitting on the couch in a room sticky and dripping with party goo, their faces buried in horribly crumpled newspapers, "reading". I said, "good morning, guys" with a smirk on my face. They said nothing, they didn't even look up from the papers they weren't reading.

Later, as we were all cleaning up, not talking to each other, I went into the bathroom to change. I looked down to see my boxers covered in this weird rust-colored stuff. I panicked and called Tease into the room like a dog who had just done something bad.

Me "What the fuck is this"
Tease "I dunno, I..."
Me "Are you OK?"
See, I was nice about it.
Tease "Yeah I'm fine, it's just..."
Me (Waaaaaaayy too loud) "YOU'RE A VIRGIN?"

She just gave me an angry look and walked out. Turned out she was. She lost her virginity New Year's eve in a bed while a 4 dollar live sex show played out 3 feet from her, and she lost it to ME, of all people. She was really pretty though, and I am pretty sure I was gentle...pretty sure.

Wow, George had a few more suggestions, but I am fucking tired of writing. Later.

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