So you want to be a superstar...

I get a lot of calls from people looking to submit demos. People looking to "get signed" or whatever, and I've learned a few things.

If you all of the sudden decide that your "crew" NEEDS to be heard by a major record label, and you make the utterly lame move of calling the label's main number, here are a few rules you should follow.

1. Take the dick out of your mouth before calling.
ENUNCIATE. Especially if you are a rapper. RAPPERS SPECIALIZE IN WORDS. NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO SOME MEALY MOUTH FUCK MUMBLE ALL OVER HIS SHIT.

2. Don't talk about how hot your shit is in Ratburg, PA.
The fact that three people at your local open mic "felt your shit" means nothing to me, I'm just a receptionist, don't try and sell me. The only way I am going to help you is if you already ARE one of my favorite artists, making you either dead, the Talking Heads, or a Norwegian Satanist covered in corpse paint and bullet belts. Which you are not.

3. After I tell you NO, don't ask me how to get started.
What will happen is I will humor you and stay on the phone much longer than you deserve (my Midwest "niceness") and ramble at you about shit I know very very little about. This will just make you stupider. Just like reading my blog.

4. Use real names.
No more calls for people like "Greezy Crakk D", or "Delicious". These people have real fucking names, figure them out. "Crakk D" is not a last name listed in my directory. You are calling a major record label, not a chop shop or your bookie. In the words of Cedric the Entertainer, "I'm a grown ass man dogg, I'm not going to call another dude 'Delicious'".

5. If your 13 and you can sing, cute...But fuck you, get a lawyer.


I will be adding to this list, because I guarantee this shit will not end. My weekend was great. I spent it with an amazing girl, probably the coolest one anyone knows. We will call her "Awesome". She drinks like a damn champ, plays golf, smokes cigs like crazy, she is BEAUTIFUL, keeps her body in impeccable shape, and is a master at hanging out. She came out, partied with me, and fucked my bones crooked all weekend. I would fall in love with this girl, seriously, but then I would lose a great friend to the utter pointlessness of relationships.