WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS. YOU'LL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN.

First off, the guy who sits next to me is the master of Roadrunner Records' entire back catalog. What this means for me is that I get to sit here and listen to old King Diamond, Slipknot, and classic power metal and....fucking machine head. Ok, so its not THAT amazing, and it will be even less cool once he gets to the "N for Nickelback" section...but for now, I fucking love walking into work and hearing "Abigail" screaming full blast out of studio quality monitor speakers.


St. Patrick's day was a fucking mess. I got my roommate and friend Tek drunk at 5 pm...they can't drink for shit...and we headed to the city, 6 hours after the other drunks hit up 2nd avenue for their green beer.

Things were great, we found wings and Irish Car Bombs fairly easily, and were high fiving our way to sainthood. Until the girls showed up. My roommate studied in Japan for a month, thus affording him what many college students have, "the study-abroad friends". The strange and unique bond that you form with some people you have met with zero context, with only a strange new culture to put them in. You might have a night of wild drunken slippery sex on a study abroad trip, only to find out that stateside, this girl is a raging bulldyke lacrosse champion lesbian. No one knows who/what the fuck they are when they are living in a different country.

Regardless, some study abroad girls came out to meet my roommate. They were in from Florida, and this was to be their last night. I was feeling strong, so I decided to attempt some charm. There were two of them, and I couldn't decide which I liked better, so I just tried for both at the same time. I was a double barreled shotgun, sometimes both barrels, sometimes one, and sometimes I would just jam...hearing nothing but the sickening sound of a weapon clicking ineffectually...and throw up.

Right in front of one of them my stomach went sour, the bile coming up to rest at the base of me neck, the flume of alcohol I had been riding would be temporarily closed at that point. So I thought I would be cool and take a generous (read: fucking huge) sip of water. The glass i grabbed wasn't water at all, horrifying, it was a nice huge glass of whiskey and water that I had just ordered. That was a wrap, I headed straight to the bathroom and puked my brains out. Nice.

So you could probably tell I had no chance with any girl, but damned if I didn't keep up my overzealous attempts at bedding one of them. When it came to pass that the other of the two had a man, I focused my efforts on the other. Poor girl.

Overzealousness reeks of desperation, and desperation, as they say, is a very, very smelly cologne.

So I continued my misguided attempt to get ass. No matter what though, we were having a fucking great time. The only kind you can have when you are with your friends, drinking at odd hours with cute girls who laugh at your jokes. All smiles and little glasses that you have to drop into bigger glasses before you can drink from them.

We hopped around the city, bar to bar to ATM to bar to Roach Coach Gyros to bar. In transit, without fail, we would be screaming, literally screaming the song, "We are your friends" by Justice vs. Simian. Mimicking the singers maniacal shriek, getting better at the imitation with each step and pint. My singing probably didn't help my chances either, nor did the fact that I had developed a nasty habit of saying "bunz". ..which I picked up from a previous night of hanging out with Shady Milos.

Anyway, crunch time, Bleecker street, she is sitting on my lap somehow, laughing at something stupid, talking about Arcade Fire (they're fucking overrated), and she just leaves. I make a half ass attempt to pursue, but the look on her face says, "hey well thanks for all the whiskey, but I'd rather go home and pleasure myself in my hotel bathtub than hear you say 'Bunz' again. Have a good night."

"Whatever, that bitch was BUNZ, son."

I wake up on my couch confused, but pretty damn happy regardless. Hungover giggling with my roommate and Tek, patting ourselves on the back for being such fools.

I believe thats all for now. My friend Jargy is coming to the city tonight. He is a hell of a journalist, coming to check out neighborhoods for when he moves here. We are going to work on some projects together, but he has a towering cunt of an ex-girlfriend that he just cant shake, so I will be performing an exorcism before anything gets done.

Have a great day.