Metal

Ok, So i updated this thing 3x just now. Thats right, there is three posts of bullshit below this. Even a new one under the weird ass JC post.

I also just wrote this as a reaction to a blog belonging to a friend of a co-worker of mine: http://www.metalsucks.net/

Its a pretty cool metal site, and I wrote this with the intention of getting it posted on their site, but I wouldn't blame them for not posting such direction-less ranting. Enjoy.

METAL SUCKS

Call this an editorial, or a guest editorial. None of what I say here will be really news-worthy or news-related. In fact it’s the opposite, all I am going to do here is be an “old school” (I’m 24) metal curmudgeon. The point is that I am wholly and completely correct when I say, you can stop listening to metal now. It’s ok. You’ve had a good run.

Metal bands will do one or two fantastic things, and then consistently follow it with re-hash crap until one of their band members either gets married, has kids, or gets killed on stage. This is why I am utterly dumbfounded that people still buy Korn records.



Maybe it’s a personal problem, but I can’t even find myself engaged by the new Haunted album, because nothing will beat the opening to “Hate Song”. That band died a quiet death when Peter Dolving left, and they didn’t re-animate when he came back.

A few other things…

Opeth never topped Orchid, all they did was get obsessed with the letter “D” and make some weepy sad bastard cold castle music. You can stop pretending they’ve made anything good in the last 6 years. Chris Barnes’ Cannibal Corpse will never top The Bleeding, and Corpsegrinder’s band will never top Vile. It’s a shame isn’t it?

If you want to skip to the end of this whole thing, the entire genre of “metal” was completely and totally negated by one album. It is called City and it is by a band called Strapping Young Lad, maybe you’ve heard of them.



So what then? Nothing beyond that point is relevant, I am not all that worried about it, but there are a few other things I want to address.

Another problem is the discovery that people in metal bands are actual people. That one is a shame. I was extremely angered to hear that Alex Webster had a wife, and didn’t spend all of his time fucking and eating corpses. The guy in Soilent Green worked for an art transportation company or some shit. These people don’t have jobs! All they do is live metal, drink, fuck, kill, rock, and play shows. I don’t want to hear about anything else.

The only “real life” metal drama I want to hear about can only involve one or all of these three things:
A) The members of Mayhem stabbing each other in the head.
B) Immortal shopping for bullet belts.
C) Chris Barnes entering rehab for his crippling addiction to vaginal skin.

The only metal tour video that anyone needs to see ever was created by Pantera. I realized this watching my roommate’s Lamb of God DVD. The only redeeming factor was that the lead singer is a drunken camera-mugging diva. Nice try, but there is no room for diva-dom in metal (unless you are Big Val), there is only room for tits, solos, firecrackers, brown liquor, and tits.



And what is this about black metal gaining credibility in the hipster community? I thought black metal ended with Old Man’s Child’s album Ill Natured Spiritual Invasion. Galder fucking freestyled the vocals on that whole album. It doesn’t get any more hip than that (the time that Demon Burger used a vocorder is a close second), so stop blogging about hip black metal.


Fuck you.

It is also too bad that The Berzerker broke up. That band ended the second they took off their masks, because they were “too hot”. Metal bands can’t get “too hot”. Rest in Pieces Berzerker, we hardly knew ye.


R.I.P.

You can also stop opening heavy metal record stores. The only heavy metal record store that ever mattered was called Nightfall Records in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The store was owned and operated by Don Decker, the fat angry hearse-driving singer of the legendary band Anal Blast (Tampon Tea Bag!), the first time I went there I had to wake him up on the couch to buy my first Blood Duster CD. This was after I stood around to hear tales from the Nightfall’s officially sanctioned crack whore/mascot about getting butt-fucked in the alley for crack. That’s metal. You can give up now, world.


I can't believe I found this. Thats Decker and he's about to tell her he wants to shit in her eyes and eat her used tampons.

In closing, Atheist is reuniting somewhere in California. I will see you there.