Friday, November 10, 2006

Guest Post #2

Keeping with the "Before and After" Title of this blog, cleverly stolen from Wheel of Fortune: NameDropAcid....I will attempt to drop names and tell stories of dropped acid that In No Way Incriminates Myself Within the Story.

Name Drop

First the classic name drop. There I was, sipping Cristal and taking shots of Patron...all the while watching hot chicks walk in my general direction, before they turned to ignore me and talk to the several NFL players responsible for my classy consumption. We were the guests of these players whether they liked it or not, and judging by the amount of conversation between us and them, they didn't like us very much. Nonetheless, these Vikings and Lions players showed us how the NFL players roll on a Thursday night in a trendy bar in Scottsdale, AZ. I was too impressed with the situation to even think about how much bigger and richer they were than me, instead trying to drink as much as possible to allow for a long, painful reflection the following morning on the couch. The night went on and I was only able to stand around waiting for scraps, when I realized how stupid I felt acting like a hanger-on for a bunch of guys that were probably younger than me. But, they filled my glass with more Cristal and I got over it.

At the next bar I was pretty excited to tell everyone that I was hanging out with famous people, when I got word that Mike Tyson was hanging out in the bathroom. There was some commotion while I was in line, and I think I missed him. Mike Tyson is like 3 feet tall and probably slid below my legs while I was trying to light my cigarette or something. Undeterred, I went back to the dance floor to dance with my friend, hoping girls would see how cool I was and attack. That didn't happen, but I soon spotted most of the first round draft picks from the 2006 NFL draft. They didn't care who I was either and all I realized how sweet it would be if a big fight broke out and all these big dudes started rockin' other big dudes. It was cool, even though a fight didn't break out. As the night ended and I waited for something cool to happen, I realized that the guy who had been buying me drinks all night, was about to drive home in his rented ferrari. This ferrari had cost him about $30,000 for 7 days of rental and he had probably 20 drinks. Awesome. NFL players are so hard.

Quick second story: I heard Mike Tice told someone to "Shut the Fuck Up!" in church one time. Awesome.

Drop Acid

So this Friend of mine took a geltab on a Saturday at noon. He had to bounce at a bar that night, but c''s noon, how could that be a problem. The first stop on this new drug was at Hempfest where drugs would be welcomed with open arms. The first sight at this place is a man wearing a lizard rubber mask, nodding to the music that was playing. My friend tried to play it cool, but there was no rational reason for this and he was sure it a was a hallucination. After some quizzing of those around him it turned out the mask was real, and situation was ridiculous. Then the giggles hit. My friend sat by the river with his two other friends and laughed until they were told to leave before the police saw what was happening.

A full day of poor decision making ended when my friend thought going to work as a bouncer at a popular bar was a good idea. By this time the acid had bypassed the fun and exciting phase and bottomed out in the painful and introspective phase that is usually counteracted by weed/booze/sleeping. No one should attempt to work in this phase, and my friend soon regretted his actions. He was forced to work the door and check id's....looking people in the face as they looked back judging him. He knew that everyone knew he was on drugs and semi-retarded. He was sure someone would turn him in and take advantage of his weakened state. By four in the morning he had broken down and had a heart to heart with everyone in the bar telling them "I fucked up today, I took acid and I don't know what is going on. If you see me in trouble...please help me." That night he went home and swore off all drugs and thought of a way to get his respect back from all the people in the bar. As he walked in the door to the house, he was met with an alternative to quitting drugs and he took that instead. Go drugs.

Our second guest post came from my good friend Ogre.

I first met Ogre studying abroad in Scotland through a shared love of drinking, drugs, and grab-ass. His interests include, drinking whiskey and water (he is the only reason I drink that shit), telling fantastically over-embellished stories, and saying "sweet" and "awesome" (like the whiskey and water, I picked this up as well). He is also an expert in tavern etiquette, and the most politically astute person I know.

EDIT: That Mike Tice story in the middle is more mine than his. Bastard. Good thing only like 6 people know who the fuck that is.

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