Conflict. It’s dark, cold, rainy, and windy, it’s like Scotland. They call it “dreich”. You will know “dreich” when you see it. There is two things that this weather does to me, one of which I know it does to the whole of Scotland. These two things are drinking whiskey and contemplation. I am doing both tonight, Scotland is definitely doing one of the two.
Ten minutes ago, I was dong something so self consciously “cool” it made me laugh. I was standing on my roof with a glass of whiskey, sipping it, looking down the wet streets, the lights of population miles in the distance, thinking about the ins and outs of whatever the hell decided to go in and out of my head. This stopped when I realized I was drinking whiskey on the rocks, foolishly just making my hand and body cold.
What exactly am I supposed to be doing here? I asked myself. Oh yeah, its one of those nights. Tomorrow will be the first thanksgiving I spend away from home. Playing football in the leaves, watching football in the family, and falling asleep spread eagle in the floor. Is this worth it? I asked another question. I suppose it is, because I am proud of myself, proud of what I have achieved out here. Proud that a weirdo like me could somehow parlay his strange disconnection with the world into some quantifiable “real world” success. But I miss my friends, the ones back home, and there is nothing wrong with missing where you came from. Did I leave too soon? I mean, I literally had two weeks between graduation and diving into my career. Perhaps it was too soon, but I am not usually in the business of passing up opportunities. And that’s what happened, an opportunity whipped by me with one finger stretched out screaming “grab the fuck on”, so I did, and I made all my calls from the road. With the size of the sacrifice made, a considerable feeling of loss is normal for me. I am aware of what I have given up to do what I feel passionate about, and that is comforting, that awareness.
What am I talking about? Nothing really. I am talking about seeing the inner workings of those things you really love. Sometimes though, you find out how hot dogs are made and you don’t want to touch them ever again. Gummy Bears are made up of animal toenails and eyeball skin. I am a music fan, and now I get to see how it gets to my ears, like watching those “meet your meat” videos by PETA that turned me vegan for a full 8 hours last year. Sometimes I am bothered by this, and other people are too. I’ve spoken to A&R people who don’t even like going to shows anymore. That is devastating to me. I am not there yet, but here, only 6 months in, I am already dreading the possibility.
I will give up this business before I give up music though. You can bet on that.
I’m learning, at the fastest pace I can imagine, about the places I can fit in to the world, which is what we all do I suppose. We figure out where it hurts to stand, and where it doesn’t hurt to stand, and we usually choose the latter. Unless we are in love, then we spend time standing in incredibly stupid places.
I guess all I need is a little time with my friends and my family. Damn I know some fantastic people, and I can’t wait to have them around me, doing nothing but being fantastic. I suppose it is all about balance. I needed a boozy, Scottish, contemplative night alone, and I got it. Now, I need a day surrounded by beautiful people who I know and who know me, and I hope I do get it in the near enough future. I think the chances of this are pretty good, if balance has anything to say about it.
Don’t get used to the honesty and sensitivity; it’s the scotch and the weather. Also in the name of balance, I will soon be back to beating my chest and saying “fuck” a lot.
Have a great night.