Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Guest Post #1

The mighty Clitoris Rex has spoken for some time now. Every now and then there comes a time when life is simply too busy to allow time to write. This could be one of those times. So during these times of so-called busyness, what does a clitoris do? Does it fiddle with it's respective clit? Does it think of complex stimulation techniques to enhance her pleasure? Does it just rip it's hair out instead of shaving/waxing to feel something different?
Is your clitoris suicidal?
See but there in lies the issue at hand. There are all of these questions circling around about the whereabouts of out endowed leader.

Here is one man's opinion.
On October 28th, 2006 Clit disappeared without a trace. He left all he held dear to him in New York. He went on to search for greener pastures, rather than listening to the new Nelly Furtado over and over trying to find meaning. It is a dance album, fuck!. That's it..but Timbo killed it. Anyway that's all off topic. This was a Saturday to be reckoned with. Here is the actual accounts as they took place.

Saturday October 28th (series of events, times are all speculation)
Clit awakes from a night of much deserved pleasure-fucking-rest.

Clit scratches himself for the next hour...straight.

Clit moistens himself under a water fountain.

Clit dresses quickly and rushes out the door.

Arrives at the subway and waits for Jarrod... not Jared.

Jargy arrives.. "sup d00d, shnagples mcgrangren sholzy's mcswim d00d! mcmarmely"

Clit punches Jargg in the throat and promptly escapes.

Clit decides to fly back to Minnesota to hang out with his real friends.

While on the flight clit becomes very intoxicated and hit on everything in the plane. Everyone promptly turns him down except for this marvelous looking plastic cup. He does it...hard. A nearby woman sees clit's cock in full-thrust and becomes moist. She decides to whip out her clit and spank it.

Clit arrives in Minneapolis.

Clit arrives on the street in front of the airport. He decides to hail a cab.

Clit arrives at Billabongs in Bloomington. He doesn't know anyone there.

He decides to sit down at the bar and drink.

While sitting, Jargg sits next to him. "sup d00d, shnagples mcgrangren sholzy's mcswim" d00d!

Clit promptly vacates the Billabong's establishment and walk the streets.

After walking for nearly an hour on acid, Clit searches for meaning in all of this.

A female with large gazonges approaches the clit. He reaches out and caresses her large members. She soon becomes moist and needs to fuck..naturally.

12pm Sunday morning: the night after October 29th
Clit wakes up..dazed as usual. Looks over at the clit he bagged and vomits profusely. Stands up walks to the bathroom with sagging balls. He looked in the mirror and says "what the fuck!" The clit he molested turned out to be a crazed grongler with a predilection for long sacs. This grangly horrible excuse for a female had fastened an additional stretched-out sac to Clit's already semi-dangly sac, making a ricockulouly ridiculous sac.

Clit comes to the full realization of what has happened to him and decides to go drink.

After stumbling around town all lopsided and shit (ones always bigger than the other and in this case two and large) he sits on a street corner in downtown minneapolis.

Jargg comes up to Clit. "sup d00d, shnagples mcgrangren sholzy's mcswim d00d!"
Clit looks at him disgusted and walks away.

after wondering aimlessly he decides to become a male stripper and decides to work at "Gary's well hung dance emporium"

has his first dance. It goes over well. The mens all love his double sac.

Clit has unprotected sex with 19 exotic males.

Clit's ass hurts so much he can't walk for a week.

It is here that the details get fuzzy. The next week is all a blur.

Sunday, Novermber 5th
Clit awakens to planes overhead. He heads to the bathroom to take a shit. His ass feels much better now..but he has this horrible rash on both sacs and seems to be developing some kind of blister. Anyway he is surrounded by unknown whereabouts. He has never been here before. He decides to sit on a couch and watch tv.

A dude with a partial mohawk comes wandering out of the room near the bathroom.
Clit: Hey man...where am I?

Hawk: you mean you don't remember man? Your friend came and saved you from the gay club a few days ago. You've been passed out for days.

Clit: Great..where am I?

Hawk: do you want anything to eat man? you're probably hungry...huh..

Clit: I could go for some Spam out of the can, some ham and perhaps you might be willing to split a microwave hamburger with me?

Hawk: I'd love to dude.

Clit: Do you have the movie Mallrats?

Hawk: Yeah I think I do... let me go look..

Hawk: aha! here it is!

Hawk: Dude.. we got some freezies you want some?

Clit: (very puzzled) why yes... I'd love some freezies. You remind me of someone Hawk.

Hawk: Yeah man.. I get that a lot.

Clit and Hawk talk for a while and watch the epic Kevin Smith film "Malllrats"

Hawk: well dude it's been cool hanging out.. I have to leave now though.

Clit: Yeah man I've had fun. Where are you going?

Hawk: I gotta go to work.. your friend should be back soon.

Clit: alright dude...later!

Clit falls asleep during the third round of Mallrats.

Monday, November 6th

Clit wakes up frantic... (thinks to himself) "holy shit!!! have to get back to NY to go to work! I have this really crazy new awesome job for this ultramegahuge record label. I don't want to get fired.. Man.. how am I going to get home?"

Jargg: "sup d00d, shnagples mcgrangren sholzy's mcswim d00d!"


Jargg: "sup d00d, shnagples mcgrangren sholzy's mcswim d00d!"


(throws empty Spam can at Jargg)

Jargg: "sup d00d, shnagples mcgrangren sholzy's mcswim d00d!"

Jargg: "sup d00d, shnagples mcgrangren sholzy's mcswim d00d!"

Jargg: "sup d00d, shnagples mcgrangren sholzy's mcswim d00d!"

Clit: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!


This is the last known whereabouts and conversation recorded of the Clit.

At this time we have no further information.

Stay tuned.. there will be more. we hope.

For know.. keep you clit moist because Clit does!

OK...I'm too busy to write, so I commissioned some close friends (probably the only damn people who read this thing) to handle it for me.

The only thing I will be writing I guess is introductions and overly-simplistic summaries of my friends.

This was from George Hower, an overly-sensitive ex-fat guy graphic designer who's girlfriend once convinced him that sex was a "bad thing". He is one of my oldest friends and an all around fantastic person.

Oh yeah...I barely proofread this thing.

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